What Should I Hoard?

By Jennifer Howard

The country, the world is in turmoil. War, famine, elections, family holidays. It’s clear I should hoard something. I have checked the online panic-osphere, but no one has announced what to obsessively stock up.

Remember Covid-19? We hoarded toilet paper, with trickle down into paper towels and napkins. Has anyone used all the paper products stuffed in their garage?

For hurricanes, blizzards and random acts of Nature, we hoard milk and bread. Never mind that we rarely consume them any other time. It might make more sense to buy beer and M & M’s in quantity.

With what should I be filling my online and actual shopping carts to ensure I can outlast my friends and neighbors in this crisis?

Fluoride toothpaste? That stuff tastes nasty!

Raw milk? I feel like I could accomplish the same goal by drinking the out-of-date milk I have growing raw bacteria in my fridge.

Avocados? Guac will go the way of the buffalo if the U.S. imposes hefty tariffs on Mexican avocados. Rumors around the food production industry are that it will be replaced by applesauce, made in the USA.

With the growing popularity of bitcoins, it would be smart to stock up. I can’t afford to buy the digital currency, so my option is to mine for it. Does anyone know how to hoard electricity?

A stroll through my local grocery was a shocker. I can only afford to hoard off-brand cat food. It was a BOGO. I bought 184 cans and proudly stocked them in my pantry next to the juicer I used twice. I tried one Seafood Medley on Mira and Mackey, my two food-motivated felines. It smelled like a Dumpster outside of a bad seafood restaurant.

They scorned it. After it remained untouched in their dishes for two days, I scraped it into the trash.

It occurred to me that the stuff might taste better when cooked.

In case of the Apocalypse, follow me for meatloaf recipes.